A Taxi Ride

The drive from our hotel to the airport in Phuket was all of 40km.As is usual, our last minute follies ensured that we were hard pressed for time to reach the airport before the check-in counters closed. We exited our hotel in search of a cab to drive us to the airport, but the late evening ensured that the streets were vacant and the only taxis in sight were the motorcycle taxis which promised us “Boom Boom and cheap lady”!(a good alternative if we missed our flight) So we progressed down the small street (called soi in Thailand) towards a wider more frequented road in search of an elusive taxi when we heard a man calling out from a very old looking Ford vehicle (looked more like NE 118 to me). He would take us to the airport and would charge us pretty much the same as a normal taxi would. For lack of a better option, we decided to board the rickety vehicle and thus commenced a hilarious conversation that would be one of the longest that I have had with a native during my week long stay in Thailand.

He checked us up in the rear view mirror, eyes squinting. I had an impression he was trying to size us up. Not in a menacing way as Thais seemed to me a race unable or incapable of causing harm to others. After about 5 minutes, when he reached the highway, and I half expected him to speed up, he slowed down, changed lanes to one which had slow moving traffic and started speaking.

TD (Taxi Driver): “Where you come from?”

Us: India

TD: “Aah..India…..so you Hindu…or……(looking at us with a solemn expression)

Us: Yes Hindu

TD: (face lighting up) Gooood…..you no Muslim…….good…

Us: Why you say so? You no like Muslim? (When in Rome, be like Romans. I used improper English to make him understand)

TD: Noooooo….I can talk to youuuuu….Muslim……lower level…..u know….(smiling and gesturing with hands to signify lower…like to say smaller)…..I no talk to Muslim…..I can talk to you……

Us: Why?

TD: Muslim people no good!! Theyyyy….aaahhh…they tricking…they lying…they thieving….u know….aaah you know!! They near border……aah….no no…they no good! They bombing, they drugs….u know…..aah you know….Pakistan eh! (breaking into a knowing smile which we were forced to join in)…..Yeah….u I can talk to…..we respect….

Us: (No response other than a smile)

TD: India….aah…I like very much…..aah…..many computer…..u computer man?

Us: Yes

TD: Yes yes….you looook like computer man….he he….yessss….india very good in computer…….also…I like very much…..indian movie industry….yees…I like very much…..i see many movie….yes!! I like….that hero….aah…what is his name……aah I like very much……Indian hero….

Us: Amitabh Bachhan?

TD: No no….aah he come movie…aah I don’t remember name….Asssoka…aah

Us: Ashoka….Shah Rukh Khan?

TD: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeesss!!! Very good herooo….good looking Sharookh…..i see many movie….yes yes….a good man…..dance very nice…..I like very much

Us: But he is a Muslim (with a sly smile)

TD: WHAT!! (almost bringing car to screeching halt, looking in the rear view mirror incredulously at me….while I couldn’t stop laughing)……..no no…..Sharookh muslim…..oho……I not know…….oho……no no…Muslimma….no good!! No watch his movie from now….(Sharook muslim….muttering under his breath again and again while I burst laughing watching his transformation from being happy and gay to start moaning as if somebody died)

He was quite for some time, sinking in the new and very painful information. Then he started again

TD: You know…….aah….yes…there is no…*$%#@ here (I couldn’t quite get what he was referring to)…..so I can speak to u yees…..yes….i no like the king….yes yes I can say to you….cannot say that in open…..

Us: Why you do not like him? (Just to pass time rather than really interested in knowing)

TD: No no…..he not good…..he like monfoly……you no monfoly…yes?

Us: Monopoly?

TD: yes yes……aah he use monfoly……no change…..old people like him…..they yellow shirt….i red shirt…..i like change…u no….(holding the collar of his shirt to show its red..(was greean actually)…..king’s wife no gooood….take to much moneeyy….Thailand no doing good………….i like democaracy…….but that also has......what to say……some bad things…….i like prencc….u know….prencc…

Us: WTF? French?

TD: yes yes…..prenccc…..i like prencc very……they like democaracy……and communistic……and like both mix…..i like mix….take gooood of democaracy…..and gooood of communistic….and mix (whapping both hands together to form a ball..…like capturing a mosquito in between, incredulously, no hands on the steering wheel)………aah……u no America…….aah America……they very samart…..they know…..

Us: What? (Losing completely the track of where he was heading with this argument)

TD: U no sapechy??

Us: Specie?

TD: aah yess…..sapechy…..sapechy sapechy do not change……u no…(finds completely blank faces when he sees us through the rear view mirrors)…….aah like…….dog….dog is dog……dog not human……dog not cat……u no

Us: Okaayy (getting a feeling he was either drunk or delusional both)

TD: America……..they put pig flu in mexico………and they see……u know pig flue…

Us: Swine flu?

TD: yes yes…….pig flu……they put in mexico and they see…….they put that flu in china last year…..then they see……they see what happen………very samart……u no…pentagan…..aah yes yes u no….pentagan yes yes……they have lab under pentagan…….they make flu…..they make calone (clone)…..they very samart (pointing his fingers to his forehead to signal intelligence)……very samart america

We were amused more than anything listening to this conspiracy theory of his, unfortunately we had to ask his to quicken up, we were in real danger of missing our flight. He did so and got us there just in time. Along the way he asked us about India, places to visit, told the story how he got dengue fever and lost one year of pay and losing a lot of money, exchange rates, and much more. Needless to say, it was one of the most entertaining taxi rides I’ve had.