Read At Your Own Peril

i have been gripped by a sesnse of dismay over the last few days. i know all too well of my not so great will power. i almost never ever do what i set out to do the day before. the problem is that i dont even try. and to top it all off i dont even try and change the fact that i dont try. and then i regret that i dont change the fact that i dont even give it a try. and then i set out again, set up a task again for the morrow and fail again. the cycle continues, i fail to learn anything from it. how can someone be such a big idiot. infact idiot is not the word to describe me. its something between a shameless ass and a faineant - someone who has a disinclination to work. i never get to the end of any book. mind it, the book im referring here is a study book of some sort. novels i run through gleefully. the biggest problem is that i know what the problem is, i know what the solution is and know that everything is in my hands, all i need is just a, little effort and that is what is missing on most occasions. on most, i must be joking. on all occasions. i dont have a recollection of when i have done something that has given me pleasure or satisfaction. i know that satisfaction is obtained when fruits are borne out of one's intense efforts and the more sweat and time you put in in a piece of work, the better would be the feeling when the desired outcome is obtained. the problem with me is that im uninterested, infact disinterested would be a better word, to put in the efforts. my will power is as brittle as anything. i dont know how to resurrect the fact that it is so brittle. infact i do, i know i have to put in efforts, small steps that will eventually help me in the long term. but thats where the irony kicks in. effort is what im not willing to put in. i know for a fact that winning is not just one off, its a habit that one has to cultivate, yet i expect myself to top at my next academic venture despite the fact that i have never done it in the past due to lack of efforts. im also perenially short of self confidence. i dont need my dad to point that out to me, though he has on occasions. i have stood silent many a time with the right answer, doubting myself..."how the hell could i know the right answers when the entire class doesnt...are they fools or am i a genius??"....is the line of thought that runs through my head. another reason is that i get embarassed easily. once pointed out that my answer is wrong, it has a kind of effect on me that just devastates me. it like puts me back a lot. it kind of makes me think that why i quacked in the first place. had it not been better that i had kept shut. opened my mouth and made a big fun of myself in front of the class.and in that respect i try and keep myself as low profile as possible. as i am writing my piece, i was just a while back interrupted by a call from time. they are asking me to come and speak in front of 2-300 people and with a lotta passion. i guess im just gonna give it a try. last time this happened i made a big mess of it. went on stage and i dont even reemember what i said. i guess from an audience of 300 people, 4-5 clapped afterwards. should have strenghthened my resolve never to get up on stage again. but i know i will have to doa lot of presentations in the furture, imn just taking this as a practice session. i'll tryu and do all those calming excercises. and then i'll coax myself to speak with a reassured pace and not just go out and blurt out word so fast that im actually saying stuff before i even think of what i am saying. lets see how it goes. ive been taking steps though to be a trifle more bold and not to get embarrsed easily. but then i have these notions that what the other one would be thinking about me and that makes me hesitate a little. i guess i have to learn that one cannot be loved by everyone simultaneously. i just have to gulp down this bitter syrup. well if you have got this far reading the gamut of drawbacks that i do have, i thank you. i can go on forever. this is just the tip of the iceberg. but then i dont wanna shoo away ppl from my blog. i want ppl to read it once in a while. so i'll end it here and go and study something that i had to yesterday as part of my plan. you can go and have your aspirin...this surely will give anyone a headache. hope you read my blogs again. bye and see you.....